Today I had my first big meltdown since this process began a month ago. I cannot point to a specific trigger. I visited the Rocky Mountain Cancer Center in Boulder to get a second opinion on my treatment and to look around the facility. As I spoke to the doctor, I felt myself in a haze, not prepared with my questions, my heart racing, feeling the momentum pulling me towards that chemo chair next Monday.
I think the totality of what I’m about to do set in. This, combined with the frustration of my freedom being taken away was enough. I canceled my 4 week trip to Thailand. I said no to a beautiful woman who wanted to connect with me. Some aspects of life will go on hold for at least six-months.
I consider delaying the treatment another week, but I am starting to see that the anticipation and waiting is probably worse than the treatment itself. I continue to be moved and touched by people reaching out with their support and love.
Soon I will write a more about my treatment plan, but for now I just needed to express my humanness.