Cycle 4, in progress. I am past the halfway point, at least for the chemotherapy portion of this healing journey. I am tired and I am very weak. I am noticing some anger and depression. I do not wish to write much. I wish for this to be over, to be back in good health and living life as I always did. It feels good to complain. Within the complaint there is some relaxation, as the other day I was speaking to a friend about her future plans, and realized for the first time in a long time, I am not planning or considering anything for the future. I am just here. My primary focus is beating cancer, staying alive, and recovering my immune system. I realize that if I did not have this healing crisis I would probably be even angrier and more frustrated at the prospect of being stuck at home during a pandemic. Especially at a time when I planned to be launching a business and shifting into new career directions.
Despite the frustration and anger, there is still gratitude. In this very moment, maybe not the all-pervasive radiant golden bubble of it, but in general this inner attitude persists for this process I am going through and everything and everyone that is supporting it.
I am particularly grateful for my close friend Allie, who has taken care of me this cycle. One month ago, she was in Thailand, considering if she should ride out the pandemic on a tropical island or return to the US to spend time with her parents and to support me. She decided to return, braving quarantine and border restrictions from Thailand to New Jersey to Colorado. After quarantining in New Jersey for two weeks, she drove 48 hours, dodging tornados and snow storms, sleeping in the back of her car before safely arriving in Colorado. My doctors were not particularly enthused by the idea of a caretaker traveling to me via Asia and New Jersey (you should have seen their faces when I told them!), but we took the best precautions possible given the circumstances.
Allie’s arrival coincides with a time where I simply need more support than I did in the beginning. After she arrived and began helping me, I noticed that I was probably pushing myself too much, trying to maintain with my old attitude of independence and self sufficiency.
It feels very safe and nourishing to have someone so close and supportive staying with me. Social distancing has been particularly hard for me and having a friend to cheer me up and share Netflix laughs with has been priceless. Unfortunately for her, she also must listen to my various ranting about quarantine, politics, society and the various other old man inquiries I take to distract myself from the pain of cancer. Please thank her otherwise I would probably be making these rants public!
I am sliding into my nadir days now, and in general I am noticing I am less responsive to the outside and to communications in general – I do apologize if I have not acknowledged your card or message in a timely fashion. Please keep checking-in with me, the smallest gestures mean a lot to me.